Thank God the NFL is back.
You know that feeling when your life isn’t whole unless you’re spending an entire day wasting away on your couch with a six-pack and a bucket of spicy Popeyes chicken? That’s the feeling I get on Sundays. It is the purest feeling in the world.
The next 17 Sundays, and the following month-and-a-half after that, are the greatest of times. Of course, when the Bears lose (pathetically most days) they are the worst of times, but somebody’s team is in the L column this week. Not mine though. Y’all be easy.
(Times listed are for Sunday unless specified)
CREAM OF THE CROP
1) Buffalo Bills (1-0)
Week 1: W at LA Rams 31-10
This Week: vs. Titans (MNF 7:15 ET | ESPN)
The entire city of Buffalo invaded ring night in Inglewood and tore through the defending champs. Josh Allen played like an MVP favorite, Von Miller terrorized his former team and his front seven followed his lead. Ball security needs to improve after a turnover-filled opening night, but the Bills look every bit like the paper champions they were crowned over the summer.
2) Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)
Week 1: W at Cardinals 44-21
This Week: vs. LA Chargers (TNF 8:15 ET | Amazon Prime)
Patrick Mahomes’ ‘Fuck You’ tour began in Arizona, hitting nine different receivers for 360 yards and five touchdowns. KC welcomes the rival Chargers to Arrowhead for the first Thursday Night game on Amazon Prime. Make sure your streaming device is able to catch up with the amount of speed we’re gonna see this Thursday.
3) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0)
Week 1: W at Cowboys 19-3
This Week: at Saints (1:00 PM | FOX)
Blah Blah Tom Brady. Blah Blah 45. Blah Blah Gisele.
We can focus on the GOAT doing what he always does to the Cowboys, OR we can talk about this defense! Todd Bowles impressively shut down a depleted Cowboys offense, putting the clamps on Dallas after a field goal on the opening drive. How about 86 total yards from Julio Jones too? He’s not dead yet, as his lone year in Tennessee had it out to believe.
4) Los Angeles Rams (0-1)
Week 1: L vs. Bills 31-10
This Week: vs. Falcons (4:05 ET | FOX)
The champs got rocked in the mouth on ring night by a team they hope to see again in February. You can excuse them for this one loss on an emotion-filled night. Jalen Ramsey must be better in coverage. Matthew Stafford must do a better job protecting the football. He also has to develop a rapport with his newly-paid WR Allen Robinson, who himself can’t afford to go missing like he did last year in Chicago.
Not much I would change about Cooper Kupp and Aaron Donald, though. They’ll be fine.
NEXT IN LINE
5) Los Angeles Chargers (1-0)
Week 1: W vs. Raiders 24-19
This Week: at Chiefs (TNF 8:15 ET | Amazon Prime)
Justin Herbert is becoming more brilliant by the minute. Khalil Mack was a force in his first game as a Charger, with three of LA’s six sacks. The Chargers have a chance to grab two early wins in this AFC West Gauntlet. It’d be nice to have Keenan Allen and new CB J.C. Jackson available; they missed Sunday’s game.
6) Cincinnati Bengals (0-1)
Week 1: L vs. Steelers 23-20
This Week: at Cowboys (4:25 ET | CBS)
The Bengals had chance after chance to beat Pittsburgh on Sunday, only to lose at the end of overtime. Joe Burrow won’t have too many five-turnover games, and at some point the team has to find a long snapper. The offensive line is still bad though, allowing seven sacks Sunday. They won’t have an easier job with Micah Parsons and the Cowboys Sunday.
7) Green Bay Packers (0-1)
Week 1: L at Vikings 23-7
This Week: vs. Bears (SNF 8:20 ET | NBC)
Another team I’m going to excuse for getting schmacked on Sunday. For the second year in a row, the Packers got destroyed on the road on week one while not being able to score 10 points. Last season ended in the NFC’s No. 1 seed and a second-straight MVP for Aaron Rodgers. Davante Adams isn’t here anymore though, and Green Bay looks as mortal as they’ve ever been with Chicago rolling into Lambeau Sunday night. We’ll find out just how different these Packers are from last year’s bunch.
8) Baltimore Ravens (1-0)
Week 1: W at NY Jets 24-9
This Week: vs. Dolphins (1:00 PM ET | CBS)
Defense looked very solid as it contained Joe Flacco and the Jets. Health is important for Baltimore’s success this season. No Ronnie Stanley, J.K. Dobbins or Gus Edwards really stunted the Ravens’ run game - their bread and butter. Still, Baltimore has Super Bowl potential if it all comes together.
9) Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)
Week 1: W at Detroit 38-35
This Week: vs. Vikings (MNF 8:30 ET | ABC)
Jalen Hurts temporarily shut down any talk Sunday, as the Eagles offense exploded for 455 yards. A.J. Brown set a team record for receiving yards in his debut (155), and Miles Sanders found the endzone for the first time since 2020. Jonathan Gannon’s defense, however, was gnashed by Deandre Swift. Philly got a lot of Super Bowl hype in the preseason. The defense can’t lax like it did Sunday if it expects to meet those lofty expectations.
PLAYOFF CONTENDERS
10) Minnesota Vikings (1-0)
Week 1: W vs. Packers 23-7
This Week: at Eagles (MNF 8:30 ET | ABC)
Holy. Shit. Justin Jefferson may end the season as the best wide receiver in the game. He and Kirk Cousins connected on nine passes for 184 yards and two touchdowns against Green Bay. New HC Kevin O’Connell may have unlocked something with this offense. Monday night’s massive matchup in Philly is as must-watch as it gets with these two explosive offenses on display.
11) New Orleans Saints (1-0)
Week 1: W at Falcons 27-26
This Week: vs. Buccaneers (1:00 ET | FOX)
Jameis Winston put the Saints on his back, hitting returning WR Michael Thomas for two touchdowns and setting up kicker Wil Lutz for the game-winner in Atlanta. Was the slow start alarming? Maybe. They’ll need to play all four quarters against the GOAT and Tampa Bay.
12) Miami Dolphins (1-0)
Week 1: W vs. Patriots 20-7
This Week: at Ravens (1:00 PM | CBS)
Not bad for a debut. Tua Tagovailoa and his new WR Tyreek Hill linked eight times for 94 yards. Second-year WR Jaylen Waddle also found the endzone. HC Mike McDaniel’s first game in Miami was a success, and it’s lovely to get your first dub over Bill Belichick. Next up: John Harbaugh and a tough Ravens defense.
13) San Francisco 49ers (0-1)
Week 1: L at Bears 19-10
This Week: vs. Seahawks (4:05 ET | FOX)
Trey Lance was inconsistent and the Niners were way too undisciplined Sunday, blurring the lines between ‘Did the Bears win this game?’ and ‘Did the 49ers lose it?’
Answer: Both
I wouldn’t worry too much, though. San Francisco looked like the NFC-runner ups they were with Jimmy G under center last year. We’ll wait and see what happens when the 1-0 Seahawks come to Santa Clara.
ON THE BUBBLE
14) Las Vegas Raiders (0-1)
Week 1: L at LA Chargers 24-19
This Week: vs. Cardinals (4:25 ET | CBS)
Well, Davante Adams was nice.
His Raiders debut ended with 10 catches for 141 yards and a touchdown. However, a brutal game from Derek Carr stopped any chance of a Raiders win in Inglewood. The offensive line allowed six sacks (three from Khalil Mack). Give them time to settle in, but it wasn’t a good start to Josh McDaniels’ Raiders tenure.
15) Indianapolis Colts (0-0-1)
Week 1: Tie at Texans 20-20
This Week: at Jaguars (1:00 ET | CBS)
Congratulations, Indy! For the first time in forever, you didn’t lose on opening week!
Sure, a tie is like kissing your sister. But you’re in the AFC South! Emphasis on SOUTH. Embrace not being a loser out of the gates for once in a change!
The Colts finally woke up from their sleepy 20-3 start and will themselves back into the game, but not enough to win. Matt Ryan looked more in rhythm as the game progressed, and the club gained a league-high 517 yards on offense. Silver linings, right?
16) Denver Broncos (0-1)
Week 1: L at Seahawks 17-16
This Week: vs. Texans (4:25 ET| CBS)
My partner (still feels weird to say that) saw the real me for the first time this weekend. It was our first NFL football week together as a couple, and she saw a side of me that she had never seen before…
The side that can be so utterly dumbfounded that he cannot function.
That’s how I felt watching Nathaniel Hackett’s clock management in the final minute of Monday night’s loss at Seattle. I don’t need to belabor what everyone else has said in the aftermath of that game. It’s fucking indefensible.
The Broncos must be more disciplined, on the field AND on the sidelines. Russ can’t save everyone. Ask Pete Carroll.
17) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0)
Week 1: W at Bengals 23-20
This Week: vs. Patriots (1:00 ET | CBS)
Pittsburgh were gifted a road win over the Bengals, but at a cost. T.J. Watt will miss significant time, and RB Najee Harris is banged up, although he says he will play against New England this week. How long will they stick with Mitchell Trubisky at QB? Beats me, but 267 yards of offense won’t cut it in Pittsburgh. It damn sure didn’t in Chicago.
THEY’RE ALRIGHT BUT THEY’RE NOT REAL
18) Arizona Cardinals (0-1)
Week 1: L vs Chiefs 44-21
This Week: at Raiders (4:25 ET | CBS)
Throw out the gameplan for Sunday’s game. Burn it underneath the desert sun, actually. The defense got shredded by Kansas City, and Arizona’s offense looked lost at times. With Deandre Hopkins suspended for a good chunk of the season, Kliff Kingsbury needs to stabilize this crew if he wants to keep his job.
19) Cleveland Browns (1-0)
Week 1: W at Panthers 26-24
This Week: vs. NY Jets (1:00 ET | CBS)
The Browns were conservative as hell in their narrow win over Baker and Carolina. They have to be until Deshaun Watson is allowed back in the building. It’s good to have Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt as your running backs, then (187 combined rushing yards). Rookie kicker Cade York notched Cleveland their first opening day victory since 2004! Fuck, the Browns are a symbol of futility in America.
20) Tennessee Titans (0-1)
Week 1: L vs. Giants 21-20
This Week: at Bills (MNF 7:15 ET | ESPN)
Bad news is you lost to the Giants on a two-point conversion. Worst news is Harold Landry is likely done for the season with a torn ACL.
The good news is the AFC South is terrible. The Titans have to hope that Ryan Tannehill develops a rapport with somebody (anybody) on his receiving corps, and Derrick Henry’s decline doesn’t start now. Buffalo will be on fire this Monday night. Will Tennessee be able to weather the storm of Bills Mafia and avoid an 0-2 start?
21) New England Patriots (0-1)
Week 1: L at Dolphins 20-7
This Week: at Steelers (1:00 ET | CBS)
Why is Matt Patricia calling the offense?
Why? There must be someone with a pulse that can do a better job here.
The offense looked horrible without Josh McDaniels, gaining only 271 total yards. On top of that, QB Mac Jones may have suffered a back injury. New England had a nice season in 2021, but this may be the year where everything comes crashing down.
22) Dallas Cowboys (0-1)
Week 1: L vs. Buccaneers 19-3
This Week: vs. LA Chargers (4:25 ET | CBS)
It’s DEFCON 5 at Jerry World.
Dak Prescott may be out anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks (depending on who makes the decision). The offensive line is so beat up, they’re about to trot out 40-year-old Jason Peters against Khalil Mack, Joey Bosa and the LA Chargers. This season may be wasted for Dallas before they ever had a shot at competing, and that’s the worst news Mike McCarthy could hear.
23) Washington Commanders (1-0)
Week 1: W vs. Jaguars 28-22
This Week: at Lions (1:00 ET | FOX)
Carson Wentz is still Carson Wentz, with two late interceptions that almost crippled the Commanders. But rookie Jahan Dotson emerged with two touchdowns, including the game winner. Antonio Gibson totaled 130 yards against the Jags run defense. The defense is still Washington’s achilles heel though, as Chase Young works to get back on the field.
LOOKING UP
24) Chicago Bears (1-0)
Week 1: W vs. 49ers 19-10
This Week: at Packers (SNF 8:20 ET | NBC)
Matt Eberflus’ second-half adjustments were the difference in his head coaching debut against the 49ers. Still, the Bears looked lifeless on offense for most of the ballgame. Justin Fields needs to look at the tape and know when to throw the football. Luke Getsy needs to scheme plays to utilize his talents more. Still, there were some things to like about the offensive improvement of this team.
Defensively, the Bears look re-energized. Sunday proves a tall task with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers in primetime, but these Bears don’t look afraid of Green Bay anymore.
25) New York Giants (1-0)
Week 1: W at Titans 21-20
This Week: vs. Panthers (1:00 ET | FOX)
Brian Daboll stunned the Titans on a 2-point conversion to win his debut in New York. The biggest takeaway: Saquon Barkley is back. 194 total yards from Saquon in a dominant performance Sunday. The Giants picked up a big morale win heading into a very winnable game against Carolina. If any team could challenge the Eagles for the division title, it may very well be the Giants.
26) Detroit Lions (0-1)
Week 1: L vs. Eagles 38-35
This Week: vs. Commanders (1:00 ET | FOX)
Detroit put up nice garbage time stats to make their loss to Philly look close. But kudos to Deandre Swift for a strong game on the ground (144 rushing yards, 9.6 yards per carry). Detroit’s defense is piss poor, but their offense (455 yards total) is going to be able to hang with some teams this season.
27) Seattle Seahawks (1-0)
Week 1: W vs. Broncos 17-16
This Week: at 49ers (4:05 ET | FOX)
Geno Smith had his redemption game Monday night, throwing for 195 yards and two touchdowns. If he can manage a game as efficiently as he did against Denver, Seattle’s offense will be better than advertised. Still, the Broncos fumbled this game away (literally), and better teams won’t trip over themselves against the Seahawks.
NO CHANCE IN HELL
28) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)
Week 1: L at Commanders 28-22
This Week: vs. Colts (1:00 ET | CBS)
It’s a very low bar to be better than Urban Meyer’s Jags, but Doug Pedersen will make it work. Trevor Lawrence can’t throw back-breaking interceptions like he did Sunday in Washington. No. 1 pick Travon Walker looked really good in his debut.
29. Carolina Panthers (0-1)
Week 1: L vs. Browns 26-24
This Week: at NY Giants (1:00 ET | FOX)
A lot of people were high on Carolina coming into the season.
Did Week 1 kill those hopes yet?
Baker almost efforted a comeback to mask a putrid open for the Panthers. The defense couldn’t stop the Browns from marching down the field. If Christian McCaffrey was healthy, we didn’t see him enough (14 touches). Carolina is a complete mystery, but with more stench than sweetness.
30. Houston Texans (0-0-1)
Week 1: Tie vs. Colts 20-20
This Week: at Denver (4:25 ET | CBS)
Lovie Smith’s boys looked great… until they didn’t. But at least they didn’t lose! Now the Texans share a tie for first place in the division after one week. Hooray! Davis Mills could only muster 12 yards of offense in the fourth while their defense blew their early lead. Boo!
31. Atlanta Falcons (0-1)
Week 1: L vs. Saints 27-26
This Week: at LA Rams (4:05 ET | FOX)
Marcus Mariota looked great, Cordarrelle Patterson looked like his 2021-self, and the Falcons defense held New Orleans in check… until they let a 26-10 lead collapse in the second half. Two key fumbles by Mariota gave the Saints a chance, and the Falcons are in the doldrums of the NFC rather than riding high after a Week 1 win. Them’s the breaks.
32. New York Jets (0-1)
Week 1: L vs. Ravens 24-9
This Week: at Browns (1:00 ET | CBS)
The Jets are 22-60 since the start of the 2017 season. Zach Wilson won’t be back until (at least) Week 4. Same Ol’ Sorry Ass Jets. At least there will be Postseason baseball in Queens and the Bronx!